When Dapper Doesn't Exist
by karatekid1018
Summary: Kurt's adventures at Dalton in the universe where the Warblers are crazy and "dapper" doesn't exist within anyone well, besides Blaine. Eventual Klaine, Niff, Wevid bromace, angst later on.


**I've been waiting forever to do this. Welcome to my fanfiction of Kurt's life at Dalton with the Warblers! Enjoy!**

Kurt Hummel couldn't help but wonder just what went on inside the walls of the Dalton Academy for Boys.

I mean, he'd heard plenty of stories from his new friend, Blaine. He knew that Wes and David had a bromance so strong that they acted like an old married couple. He was _painfully _aware of Jeff and Nick, the resident "it" couple who had been discovered making out in just about every room in Dalton (he _really _didn't need that visual). He remembered choking on his popcorn during one of his and Blaine's "Totally Platonic and Not At All an Attempt to Seduce You" movie nights (nicknamed by Rachel and Mercedes) when Blaine had told him the story about how two boys started an epic Nerf war that spread out over the entire campus, their punishment being having to find and clean up _every single _dart left throughout the two buildings and the grounds.

He, however, hadn't heard any stories involving the Warblers. And he was about to find out why.

"Let's welcome our newest member, Kurt Hummel," Blaine announced from inside the choir room. Kurt had been expecting some light, mannerly applause and a few smiles, since he was now attending a prestigious private school.

He did not, however, expect to be ambushed by a seemingly-hyper blonde and a calmer-but-almost-as-seemingly-high brunette.

"Welcome to the Warblers!" the blonde cried. "I'm Jeff, and if you touch my boyfriend, I'll feed your large intestine to my dog."

"Your 'dog' looks more like a rat from the jersey shore," the brunette quipped to Jeff before turning to Kurt with a smile. "Don't mind him, he's the jealous type and says that to every new member. I'm Nick by the way…and if you touch Jeff, I'll shoot you with my dad's rifle."

"Aww, there's my boyfriend," Jeff cooed, pressing a kiss to Nick's temple before leading him back to a loveseat by the hand. The other boys began to chuckle at the overwhelmed look on Kurt's face.

"Don't pay them any attention," one slightly-chubby boy said. "They won't be able to bother you much because they'll be too busy trying to eat each other. I'm Trent, by the way, and my closet is off-limits."

Kurt knew by that one sentence that he and Trent were going to be wonderful friends. 1. A closet being off-limits meant designer clothes. 2. Trent had a hint of sass in his voice that Kurt could identify with.

"Trent, your sass is overwhelming the poor boy," an Asian boy at the front table said. A dark-skinned boy next to him scoffed.

"Please, Wessy. You and your gavel obsession are going to send the kid packing. Honestly, you act like you love that thing more than you love me," the boy said with a pout. Kurt watched on in amusement as Wes' eyes widened.

"Never, David! You're my heterosexual life partner. This thing is a freaking piece of wood," Wes said, pointing at the gavel like it _wasn't _the beloved pet he usually treated it like. David gasped, seemingly astonished.

"You just called your gavel 'a freaking piece of wood'? For me?" David said, almost tearing up. "Aww, Wessy!"

"Yeah, hi," Kurt interrupted. "Sorry to interrupt your moment-which is capable of making unicorns puke rainbows-but I'm still standing here."

"Oh, yeah," the other boy at the table said. "I'm Thad, and this is Wes and David. You _obviously _know Blaine." The other boys began to playfully shove the aforementioned tenor, who was now pinching the bridge of his nose.  
"Are you seriously on this again?" Blaine groaned. Thad guffawed.

"Of course, Blainers," Thad insisted. "This is only the beginning of my revenge plan."

"Why do you need revenge?" Kurt asked. Trent choked back a loud laugh.

"Because he wouldn't _shut up _about you after you left. Honestly, he made it sound like he just got proposed to by Niall."

"WE'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU, TRENT, LOUIS IS THE BEST!" a boy in the corner shouted, his hand stuffed in a bag of Cheetos.

"SHUT UP, QUINCE! Just because you have a thing for Louis does _not_ mean that it automatically makes him the best!" Trent argued back. Half of the boys groaned while the other half began exchanging money.

"Oh boy, here we go…" David trailed off with an eye-roll.

"ONE DIRECTION WOULDN'T BE THE _SAME _WITHOUT LOUIS!" Quince shouted as if someone had insulted his mother. He brushed his sun-kissed locks away from his eyes, revealing very striking green eyes. Trent's own eyes flared with anger.

"JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT TO MARRY LOUIS ONE DAY DOES NOT MAKE HIM GOD!" Trent exploded, a piece of his straight brown hair falling from its coif.

"OK, OK, QUIET!" Kurt interrupted, sending the two boys into stunned silence, as were the rest of the group. No one had _ever _interrupted one of Quince and Trent's arguments. _EVER_. "Now, it's obvious that you two are both obsessed with One Direction. It is also obvious that Quince either had a man-crush or is just totally gay for Louis-"

"Hey, I'm straight as a ruler!" Quince interjected. Kurt sighed, digging through his Alexander McQueen bag until he found what he was looking for-a bendy plastic ruler. With a smirk, he bent it until resembled a strange type of semicircle.

"Where's your God now, honey?" Kurt remarked. Jeff and Nick, cuddled up on the loveseat, burst into uncontrollable giggles and Quince's dumbfounded expression.

"Wow, Quince was out-bitched," Wes remarked. "I think our new member is going to fit in quite nicely."

"Why thank you, Wes," Kurt said curtly before turning to Trent. "Now, instead of arguing over who is the better member of One Direction, why not team up and become fanboys together? Or at least take the argument elsewhere, because from the exchange of money I saw earlier, I have a feeling that while it's extremely entertaining, it's not exactly welcome."

"Huh," Trent said, the option just dawning on him. "You're right. Thanks, Kurt!"

"You're welcome," Kurt said with a polite smile. "…Can I ask you all a question?"

"Sure," a few said, all turning their attention to Kurt.

"…How many of you are gay?"

Blaine, Nick, Jeff, Trent, Thad, and three other boys who identified themselves as Chase, Riker, and Jacob raised their hands.

"Wow, that many? I guess this really is 'Gay Hogwarts'," Kurt commented. Blaine shot him a knowing look.

"Santana?" he asked. Kurt nodded regretfully, his eyes meeting Blaine's and sending his poor heart into a frenzy.

"Santana."

"Excuse me," Wes interposed as he stood with a cocked eyebrow. "But if you two could stop having eye-sex, we could get on with rehearsal…by the way, who is Santana and is she available?"

"Closet lesbian, Wes. Like, Queen of _Narnia_ closet lesbian. It's obvious that she's a lesbian, though. She's just never brought it up," Kurt explained. Wes groaned, falling back into his chair.

"Honestly, Wes, does just mentioning a girl make your teenage boy hormones act up?" David asked incredulously.

"Hey, it's not my fault I haven't been getting any from Brianna! Or that she's been a total nutjob lately. Honestly, she thinks I'm cheating on her with _you_!" Wes said exasperatedly, gesturing to his "heterosexual life partner".

Kurt watched in amusement as rehearsal was forgotten in favor of hazing Wes about his apparently crazy girlfriend. He had a feeling he would like Dalton Academy for Boys.

He just wondered when the universe would realize he was finally happy and then try its best to make him miserable.

**OOH, FORESHADOWING.**

** Review for the sake of the Fandom!Warblers we all know and love where Sebastian the Slutpig was never born and the rest of them don't have sticks up their asses? **


End file.
